>> Sunday, January 18, 2009
Okay so I definitely should be doing homework but I gotta get this stuff out of my mind on onto some 'paper' so if you have time, feel free to read, but if not, that is okay. I don't have a drink suggestion tonight or any other suggestions -my mind is exhausted and my body is even more exhausted. I can't sleep though because of the massive amount of homework sitting next to me (gotta love being a nursing major) and this thing that is on my mind and heart.
So I have been having some weird dreams lately and even stranger (is that a word in this context?) thought processes....o sweet Lord save me now please! Last night I had a dream that I married someone that I know and I was pregnant. Now, for those of you who know me pretty well know that I have no plans to get married any time soon and I DO NOT want kids at all (I simply can't justify replicating...that's why there are mormon families...they populate the Earth just fine). What makes the dreams worse is that my mom keeps pressuring me into getting married and to have kids. I just want to yell and scream - is that an okay reaction? I hope so because that is definitely what I feel like doing. What doesn't she understand about the fact that I am NOT ready to get married and that I will NEVER have children. She can live without biological grandchildren - I have seen several older people deal with that and she is just going to have to survive. And somehow I am thinking that I must have a sign that is invisible to me that says "HOOK ME UP WITH SOMEONE - I AM SINGLE AND DESPERATE!!" I really am okay with completeing school before getting married - after all, who would want to stay up all night with me studying nursing terms just to make sure that I graduate. Now I know that some people go to college to get their MRS Degree but that is not me. Isn't it okay to just be me? Isn't it okay to want to go on missions trips, play soccer, sing and do all of my dreams without getting married? Isn't part of the college expierence to figure out who you are without the people around you who have been defining you for most of your life up to that point? Now, please don't get me wrong. I wouldn't mind going out on dates once and a while, but I am not ready for settling down unless settling down includes a person who is ready to conquer the world with me. So please don't think I am swearing boys off permenantly because I am sure, somewhere out there, there is that guy who is just waiting and praying for me. But when it is time, I will meet him and we will go from there but that time is not now (or at least in my book it isn't). I dream of the big beautiful wedding with all of my friends and family but that dream will come true in its own time which also isn't now.
Okay...well time to get back to homework. And hopefully some sleep before midnight but I still have about 20 pages to read and to take notes on so we will see how that goes. Thank you for taking the time to read my venting. :) Love y'all!